It’s all about the fucking teeth.

I have a genetic predisposition for missing fucking teeth. My maternal lineage has a pattern of hypodontia. My last baby tooth finally fell out, with a little encouragement, on or around my 34th Birthday.

I’m currently watching the US TV “Breaking Bad” and have found my suspension of disbelief suspended, by the fucking teeth. Bright, shiny white, fucking teeth. In the show every time a, crystal meth smoking, junkie opens their mouth to speak, my internal dialogue cries out in cynical disbelief “What about the fucking teeth”

I have an active morning oral health routine; tongue scraping, dental flossing, salt-water rinsing/gargling, neti potting, 2 minute electric toothbrush cleaning. My dentist tells me my teeth and gums are healthy. Yet  I wonder about dental implants, £3k-worth of cosmetic surgery, so I can suspend your disbelief.

Jessi Pinkman, Frank Gallagher, Tyrion Lannister, (OK, so I couldn’t find a image of Dinklage with an open mouth) all fail to draw me in to the tale because of some sort of dental vanity. Christian Bale, lost and gained a sizeable portion of his body weight for subsequent film roles. Whilst working on a film together, director Mike Leigh admonished Brenda Blethyn when he saw her, in a supermarket, buying food that her character wouldn’t. The meticulous Stanislavski method of acting requires hours of repetition even for simple actions like sitting down or just standing still.

Brad Pitt had a tooth chipped for his role as Tyler in Fight Club, that’s about the only case I can find of deliberate dental vandalism. Because we aren’t ready, it would appear, to deal with wonky fucking teeth.

I’m growing to accept my mouth, it’s a form of character armour. In the same way that our clothes and hair, our tatts, mods and piercings say “If you don’t like it, then fuck off”. It’s a self regulating way of separating the wheat from the chaff. Those who’ll judge you solely by your appearance from those who want to know your appearance as a soul.

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” ― C.S. Lewis

Doug Stanhope shocked me into a reality when he, albeit sarcastically, complained that there are no support groups for ugly people. There is no recognition of a prejudice against the ugly. Yet the ugly are the most discriminated against group ever. If your argument against this, is that beauty is absolutely subjective, then why do babies only a few months old respond differently to beautiful and ugly faces. An inclination, aspiration to physical beauty appears hard-wired into our genes and our culture.

Yet we know, we all know, deep in our heart of fucking hearts, that this is not true. Physical beauty does not equate to a beautiful soul, it doesn’t prevent a beautiful soul, but it does not guarantee one. It has been said that there are no ugly people, just beautiful ones. It has also been said that ugliness is in a way superior to beauty, because it endures, beauty fades.


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